08 January 2009

The wisdom of... Teeth.

So, the day before yesterday, I found myself in a dentist's chair, my teeth awaiting the fate that is singular only to wisdom teeth.

I'm sitting in this chair, thinking of all the things that could go wrong. I'm going over emergency evacuation plans in my head, the stop-drop-and-roll method, cardio-pulmonary resuscitation, you name it, I'm agonizing over it.

Needless to say, I'm being put to sleep for this procedure. The attendant came in and slapped EKG monitors to both arms, a blood-pressure cuff on one and a finger-pulse-taker thing on the other. At this point, I'm positively blue with anxiety.

At this point, I'm actually envisioning myself disconnecting all of the hardware they have me hooked up to and just taking off.

At long last, the Oral Surgeon enters the room. He is a tall, intimidating gentleman, with a loud, booming voice. Asking me asinine questions that I just want to bark at, telling him to shut up, doesn't he realize what I'm going through??

He places a mask over my face, telling me to breathe in, as 'this' will calm me. I wasn't aware that I had signed up for 'this', this mask. A few minutes in, and I feel almost like I'm tripping. And it's been years since I've felt that way. I start to (horror of all horrors) giggle uncontrollably and ask the surgeon what the hell this is that he's got me aspirating, and he answers 'Nitrous Oxide'.

Stoned explained.

I really must have been exhibiting signs of mutiny if they're drugging me before they drug me.

Anyway, he proceeds to hook me up to an IV at this point, but I could care less. I'm floating, I'm flying, I'm positively fucking zooming around this tiny, antiseptic-smelling room and I couldn't care less that he's sticking a hose into mein vein. He tells me that I should feel 'sleepy' in a few moments. And I do. So much that it's the last thing I remember happening, so much that I could care less that this horrible man is about to stick something long and silver halfway down my throat to extract these things they call 'wisdom teeth' from the back of my head.

Evidently I rambled on and on through the entire procedure. Lord knows what I went on about. I wouldn't remember. Let's hope I didn't spill any incriminating secrets or government protocol this time.

You all know what a big mouth I have.

Unfortunately, it wasn't big enough to house two additional teeth, and ones that I really did enjoy where they were.

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